South Norwood Tourist Board

Last week, a group of children playing on a derelict building plot, just off Portland Road discovered an ancient parchment, dating back to the year 814. This document ceded South Norwood and its environs to Kenneth MacAlpin, King Of The Picts and the land now known as Scotland. We vowed to investigate this further and sought the advice of a local historian.

Over the course of several pints, the historian ascertained that this old tea-stained document was indeed authentic. Over several more hours it became clear that the document has never been revoked. Further debate ensued and it became apparent that South Norwood could conceivably be considered part of Scotland. In the light of the coming Scottish Independence Referendum this raises important questions.

Could South Norwood benefit from being part of a newly independent Scotland? It would certainly be handy for Mr Salmond, when he was conducting international affairs, to have a Scottish pied-a-terre so close to both Gatwick and Westminster. It would also be convenient for those Scots who work in London to just jump on the train at London Bridge and be back in Scotland within 30 minutes. Scottish companies might want to relocate to a part of Scotland that has one of the world’s great financial centres just a short commute away. It would also be handy for tourists.

But then, if total independence is good enough for the people of Scotland, surely it is good enough for the people of South Norwood? A fully independent South Norwood, with its seat of government in Stanley Halls, would be able to set its own currency (something which the Scots are currently not planning). Now that we are told oil is everywhere and just needs a good shake to get it to the surface, we could build our economy on oil and tourism. We would obviously need to demand the return of the Stanley Art Collection from Croydon. We would also benefit from being able to negotiate our own relationship with Europe. We could enter our own song into the Eurovision Song Contest and Crystal Palace would get automatic entry to the Champions League.

It seems to us that we are faced with three distinct options. The most appropriate course of action is for the people of South Norwood to hold their own referendum on the future of the area.

1. Should South Norwood become part of Scotland in the event of a Yes to Independence vote on September 18th?

2. Should South Norwood stay as it is as part of the borough of Croydon?

3. Should South Norwood become independent as the Peoples Republic of South Norwood?

Polling will take place on 11th September. Polling stations will be set up around the local area. Any resident of South Norwood, aged 16 years or over is eligible to vote. The result will be declared on the steps of Stanley Hall at midnight. We are expecting live TV coverage of this historic event.