South Norwood Tourist Board

Scientists conducting research in South Norwood believe that they might have uncovered the first firm evidence of the existence of wormholes; dimension crossing tunnels connecting two separate points in spacetime.

Professor Brian Cooks, from the Institute of Photogenic Physics took time out from his research to try and explain it to us,

“Until now, researchers have had no observational evidence for wormholes, but the possibility of a traversable wormhole, stabilised in a shell of exotic matter, was first demonstrated by Kip Thorne and Mike Morris in 1988. While the person inside the wormhole will experience time in the normal way, the bend in spacetime might make it appear that they have travelled between points at faster than light speed – and we believe we have evidence of such a wormhole existing between South Norwood and Crystal Palace.”

But what evidence does Professor Cooks have for such an extraordinary claim?

“Physicists have long thought that identifying wormholes would rely on us the identifying anomalous effects they cause rather than the wormholes themselves – and recently an unexpectedly large proportion of people have been found wandering around South Norwood believing they were actually in Crystal Palace! We have two working theories to explain this at the moment; 1) people are suffering from some mass geographical delusion, or 2) there is a traversable wormhole linking both places and people are inadvertently falling between them.”

The South Norwood Tourist Board spoke to a Mr Nathan Wellbeloved, who we found looking slightly disorientated by the clock tower.

“Well that would explain a lot,” said Mr Wellbeloved on hearing about Professor Cooks’ theory. “I came out to get a skinny latte and some organic wheatgrass and I’m going home with a bucket of fried chicken and a haircut. Very good value though and I’ve had a nice time. I think I’ll travel through the wormhole again next week!”

Ms Elsie Foxx-Tone, a local estate agent was keen to highlight the increase in property prices that would result from a wormhole between South Norwood and Crystal Palace, “As we know the property market has been quite buoyant of late and a wormhole between Crystal Palace and South Norwood would certainly provide a boost to house prices in the area. With a bit of luck I might get a new BMW out of it!” Ms Foxx-Tone enthused, “Furthermore, if we could move the wormhole over a bit to platform 6 ½ at Norwood Junction we would fall within the catchment area for Hogwarts – and you know how much a good school can put on the price of a house!”

Professor Cooks intends to continue his research throughout the summer.

“Ideally I’d like to gather some more conclusive data,” he said, “Maybe I could find some of these confused people and conduct some more in depth research on them? I’ve got some spare pens in my lab, between the smoking beagles and the alcoholic greyhounds.”

“To be honest,” admitted Ms Foxx-Tone, “I don’t know what exotic matter is – but I’m sure we’ll be able to get some once the farmers’ market opens.”