A new gold rush has started! The future is at our feet! The capitalist world’s demand for fossil fuel knows no bounds in its quest to provide ever more trinkets to keep the masses amused. Now, thanks to the Government’s relaxation of planning laws, we can all share in this bonanza! That is the message from the South Norwood Community Fracking Initiative, a body set up to exploit
“the wonderful opportunity to create an independent fuel economy for South Norwood.”
Some Stats
“The British Government has made some rather vague promises of compensation to households affected by fracking,” said a spokesman, “But, even they were to escape the clutches of the tax avoidance specialists, such measly amounts pale into insignificance against the profits that are going to be made.”
The South Norwood Community Fracking Initiative (hereafter referred to as SNCFI) argues that an independent fuel economy would see South Norwood well placed to ride out any economic shocks from Brexit without engaging in the speculative bubble economy of property development as some other parts of the borough have been prone to do, and provided a pretty impressive char. Asked how their proposal was being greeted by the residents of South Norwood an SNCFI spokesman replied,
“Well, they are generally happy once we explain that extracting gas through fracking is well-known to be an easy process with very few environmental repercussions, save for the occasional geological one.”
The boffins at SNCFI have invented a new process to replace the pressurised water method favoured by the petrochemical industry, which is claimed to be wasteful and damaging to the water supply. SNCFI claim that their Mass Perturbation Technique (or MPI) is an innovation that will revolutionise the industry. At the appointed time – probably Tuesday evenings after work, the citizens of South Norwood will be called to South Norwood Lakes, a venue chosen both for its unique geological features and closeness to local bus routes. Everyone will be asked to bring a large black plastic sack.
Fracking Practice?
Led by the fracking coordinator, a former choreographer for the Royal Ballet, they will then perform the specially composed Dance Of The Frackers. The synchronised leaping and landing of over 16,000 people will release the gas trapped deep underground (and perhaps some trapped closer to the surface). This will all rise into the air to be trapped in the bin bags, tied and taken to the huge tanks assembled at the edge of the site. According to SNCFI,
“It will be a magnificent spectacle, unrivalled in the modern world.”
Rather than individual payments, gas will be made available to all South Norwood citizens (possibly directly through their water-taps) free of charge in the hope of stimulating a form of gift economy within the area.
Not actually Simon Fond as he phoned in.
Not all residents are happy though. Already a petition has been set up to oppose SNCFI which already has several signatures. However, local resident Mr Simon Fond, photo left, welcomed the news,
“The trouble with all these environmentalists and do-gooders is that they’re always moaning. . It’s about time someone grasped the potential of community fracking – I bet the Chinese have been at it for years! And if it does result in sinkholes appearing in my back garden – well, I’ve always fancied a pool.”
A spokesman for Croydon Council said,
“To be honest, if it doesn’t affect Central Croydon property prices you can do what you like.”
South Norwood Tourist Board 
Wonderful news – cheered me up. Looking forward to more of this. But who is the “pretty impressive char”? Can I book her to clean my home? Fay