South Norwood Tourist Board

We at the South Norwood Tourist Board recognise that skyscrapers represent the true pinnacle of humanity’s collective achievement, nowhere more succinctly summed up than by, world-renowned humanitarian, Donald Trump’s response to the 9/11 tragedy, “40 Wall Street actually was the second-tallest building in downtown Manhattan… And now it’s the tallest.”

With that in mind we can only applaud the vision of Croydon Council to approve plans for the second tallest building in Britain. With the Shard being a good 15 minutes away by train, there is obviously a desperate need for another building that “can be seen from Piccadilly to Brighton” – and it in no way represents the latest installment in an ongoing willy-waving competition between planners, architects and property speculators. The current purple erection at Saffron Square stands only a measly 43 storeys and is clearly inadequate to attract the sort of thrusting business brains we need to keep Croydon on its current trajectory. Speaking in the Croydon Advertiser, David Hudson, Chief Executive of Guildhouse UK Limited, whose project, One Lansdowne will stand a massive 68 storeys high, said that the building will be “cheap and easy to build,” and embodied the values of Croydon as well as adding drama to the skyline.

Although we at the South Norwood Tourist Board had always imagined drama to be the last thing you would want when you are 68 storeys high, we are nonetheless inspired by Croydon’s vision to reimagine the white heat of technology through the wet dreams of an international property speculator. That is why we will be petitioning Croydon Council to give South Norwood our very own skyscraper on the site of the old Portmanor pub, which has for too long been left abandoned. And, in contrast to others, we are not shy about admitting that Number One South Norwood, or Todger Tower as it will be known, will be an unashamedly phallic symbol. Unlike One Lansdowne’s twin or hemipenes design, common among snakes and reptiles, we will go for the traditional phallic tower, casting its proud shadow over visitors arriving from London. As tourists flock from The Shard down to Lansdowne Road they will be undoubtedly be overcome by a primal urge to stop off at Norwood Junction and join locals as we dance around Todger Tower, celebrating the fertility which keeps our schools full to over-flowing.

Should the tower be built, which should happen at around the same time as Croydon Westfield opens for business, we will also be inviting visitors to share in the spectacle of our Esbat or full moon ceremonies. On the occasion of each and every full moon we will shoot fireworks at the Moon from the tip of Todger Tower. As a result of this symbolic insemination, the goddess Selene will fill the world with lunatics. Indeed, we have a strong suspicion that this may already be happening.

Artists impression of Todger Tower at full moon