South Norwood Tourist Board

For some weeks now SNTB’s boffins have been experimenting with the South Norwood Large Array, our contribution to the exploration of space. This top secret network of wires, electronics and coat hangers has been trained on deep space (upwards).

From the outset we were intrigued to discover what wonders awaited us. Now the truth can be told.

A repeating signal, apparently beamed at us from beyond the Solar System. Was it a pulsar? Was it some stray microwave signal? Or was it something else entirely?

A message from the stars, translated on the beating wings of a billion flying ants. Synchronised perfectly with the code, flapping in unison, acting much like the diaphragm in an old telephone, turning the tiny vibrations into speech.

So here it is! Courtesy of the flying ants! A message from the stars!

Greetings Earthlings!
We have detected your transmissions.

It has taken 50 years for your primitive radio waves to reach our space station, orbiting out beyond the furthest reaches of the Solar System. We heard and were inspired by the communications between Earth and your pioneers on the Moon, “As you talk to us from the Sea Of Tranquillity, so shall we make tranquillity here on Earth. All people on this Earth shall be one!”

Such a positive statement from someone who we took to be surely be one of the most upright and honest of your political class – Mr Richard Nixon. Using our inter-galactic catch-up service, our stellar sociologists have studied his track record – which was perhaps a bit of a let down. However, it appears that subsequent appointments could make the age of Tricky Dicky seem like a Golden Age in comparison.

As a result, we have this simple message for you all, “Do not, under any circumstances, take us to your leaders!” They are, quite frankly, an embarrassment to you.

In studying your planet, we see how you come together to achieve great feats. You are more wonderful than you could ever know. Unfortunately your humanity is not shared by those of your political or mercantile class, whose attributes are not suited to sustainable growth. Many species have fallen under the spell of such leaders but their ideology is an evolutionary dead end: As dead as the surface of the Moon. 

Mutual aid and co-operation are the key to evolution. It is in that spirit that we extend the hand of friendship to the humans of Earth.

We offer you a place in our Galactic Federation!
We offer you free movement between the planets!
We offer you a purple passport to the stars!

There’s just the small matter of a referendum….