South Norwood residents have responded with enthusiasm to news that, thanks to the government’s Kent exclusion zone, we have now become the de facto gateway to Europe.
“With the cancellation of the fireworks this year we were wondering just how we were going to celebrate the New Year,” said excited resident Mary Flagpole, “But now we’ll be leaping across the barbed wire and dodging the spotlights on our way across the country park to get a food parcel to my granny. Do you think David Hasselhoff will perform a benefit gig for us?”
Barry Saltback overcame the challenges of being born in 1969 to become a decorated veteran of both World Wars. He was bullish about South Norwood’s place as the new Checkpoint Charlie. “I’m a bit old for active service now, especially with these feet, but we’ll need to bring back conscription to maintain order. You know what these border towns can be like! But don’t worry, your kids will love it! It’ll be the making of them.”
“D’you want nylons?” enquired local entrepreneur, Joe Walker, sidling up to our intrepid reporter, “I’ve got nylons. Pasta? Paracetamol? Lifesaving drugs? Joe’s your man! Bananas? When did you last see one like that? Bendy, not like them bloody European ones!”
A bright future awaits us all!
South Norwood Tourist Board 
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