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Scientists conducting research in South Norwood believe that they might have uncovered the first firm evidence of the existence of wormholes; dimension crossing tunnels connecting two separate points in spacetime.

Bunny Hole Banner Imagination

Professor Brian Cooks, from the Institute of Photogenic Physics took time out from his research to try and explain it to us,

“Until now, researchers have had no observational evidence for wormholes, but the possibility of a traversable wormhole, stabilised in a shell of exotic matter, was first demonstrated by Kip Thorne and Mike Morris in 1988. While the person inside the wormhole will experience time in the normal way, the bend in spacetime might make it appear that they have travelled between points at faster than light speed – and we believe we have evidence of such a wormhole existing between South Norwood and Crystal Palace.”

But what evidence does Professor Cooks have for such an extraordinary claim?

“Physicists have long thought that identifying wormholes would rely on us the identifying anomalous effects they cause rather than the wormholes themselves – and recently an unexpectedly large proportion of people have been found wandering around South Norwood believing they were actually in Crystal Palace! We have two working theories to explain this at the moment; 1) people are suffering from some mass geographical delusion, or 2) there is a traversable wormhole linking both places and people are inadvertently falling between them.”

The South Norwood Tourist Board spoke to a Mr Nathan Wellbeloved, who we found looking slightly disorientated by the clock tower.

“Well that would explain a lot,” said Mr Wellbeloved on hearing about Professor Cooks’ theory. “I came out to get a skinny latte and some organic wheatgrass and I’m going home with a bucket of fried chicken and a haircut. Very good value though and I’ve had a nice time. I think I’ll travel through the wormhole again next week!”

Ms Elsie Foxx-Tone, a local estate agent was keen to highlight the increase in property prices that would result from a wormhole between South Norwood and Crystal Palace, “As we know the property market has been quite buoyant of late and a wormhole between Crystal Palace and South Norwood would certainly provide a boost to house prices in the area. With a bit of luck I might get a new BMW out of it!” Ms Foxx-Tone enthused, “Furthermore, if we could move the wormhole over a bit to platform 6 ½ at Norwood Junction we would fall within the catchment area for Hogwarts – and you know how much a good school can put on the price of a house!”

Professor Cooks intends to continue his research throughout the summer.

“Ideally I’d like to gather some more conclusive data,” he said, “Maybe I could find some of these confused people and conduct some more in depth research on them? I’ve got some spare pens in my lab, between the smoking beagles and the alcoholic greyhounds.”

“To be honest,” admitted Ms Foxx-Tone, “I don’t know what exotic matter is – but I’m sure we’ll be able to get some once the farmers’ market opens.”

Unknown

Where  you ask?

‘South Norwood and Woodside Social Club, Enmore Road’ we say

When you ask?

Saturday 18th April 2015 8:30pm start’ we reply

A fun night filled with the greatest ska and reggae classics; listen out for ‘My Name is Peter’.

 

Received today. Good Luck Michelle

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/XCWFFPX

Hi there,

I’m currently carrying out some market research for a coffee shop I’d like to open on South Norwood High Street. I’ll be offering excellent coffee, food and craft workshops.

Would you mind sharing this survey for local residents to complete please?

Many thanks,

Michelle

 

 

 

Bissniss Man Leaflet

The Adventures of String

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The kind hearted Heather at Treasures has agreed to become the official outlet for any SNTB merchandise that gets produced. By popular demand we have had our original pictures of the Country Park and South Norwood Lake printed. In an art deco style, the postcard sized prints were created by our associate Richard Lamy and a limited number are available.

Treasure is a wonderful gift shop, situated on 233 Portland Road, in between Ferndale and Oakley Road.

countryparknorwoodlake

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Jolly-sailor station in 1845, showing the bridge carrying Portland Road in the background and the atmospheric propulsion system pumping station, with its Gothic Tower/chimney/exhaust vent, in the foreground.

Perhaps this is where Sextus Dyball got inspiration in designing St Valery House (of Pickles fame), which coincidentally was built on the site of an old inn, the Royal Oak.,

If you want to make a difference regarding this issue please contact People for Portland Road.

Dear Stuart,

Thank you for your prompt reply. We hope prompt action will follow. From the speedy response we saw to the Love Lane issue, we know the council are more than capable of dealing with these issues. If they are not then a look at the allocation or budget allocated to these resources might be in order – or whether the contractor is fulfilling their obligations under the contract.
The issue of whether rubbish falls onto council or privately owned land is more problematic. As rubbish is a public health issue it is not acceptable for the council to leave it to landowners who will not fulfil their obligations to the community. The focus on fly-tippers (who are not necessarily local residents) is all well and good but there is also a responsibility on the landowners to keep their plots clean and secure. All too often they do neither. There is also anecdotal evidence that some landowners are deliberately allowing plots to become hazardous to pressure the council into granting planning permission (thereby increasing the value of the land).
Land that has been abandoned to become a health hazard cannot be allowed to poison the whole community. In the first instance the council should force entry onto the land and clear it, presenting the landowner with the bill. Indeed there is an argument that such abandoned land should be reclaimed by the community.
Croydon Council makes a big play of being business-friendly but in reality much of this has focused on turning Central Croydon into a super-mall and to seeking to annex Crystal Palace FC from South Norwood. This is symbolic of a broader failure of areas such as South Norwood. You will know that SNTB never denigrate South Norwood and have a habit of being pretty dismissive of those who do. We favour taking positive steps to improve our community. However we cannot allow our vibrant, diverse and imaginative community to fall victim to the consequences of the London property bubble.
Back in 1932 the ramblers also had a problem with landowners. We invoke the spirit of Kinder Scout and will maintain a programme of fun and imaginative ways to highlight this issue. We look forward to you joining us. Feel free to bring some T-shirts.
Kind Regards
SNTB

 

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